epiphany

so i realized yesterday that in a super-weird, musical-theatre-obsessed way, my life has come full circle.

in junior high, my mom and i discovered forbidden broadway. back in those days, she was my only broadway buddy, as i grew up in a rural area where sports and academics were the hip things to be into. so we got all into this forbidden broadway cast recording, and she and i would cackle about it all day long, but no one else had the vaguest idea what i was talking about when i would try to explain it to them. i would be met with blank stares and a lack of interest if i even tried to describe the hilarious brilliance of the whole thing.

so yesterday on the way to the bus during our travel day, tony (our darling diego) quotes the Chita-Rita West Side Story spoof from Forbidden Broadway Volume 2, and i freak out. we went on a quoting spree and made everyone sitting near us on the bus listen to the track. and it probably sounds thoroughly stupid, but i was so happy to be surrounded by people who know and appreciate what i love and find valuable. this is what i've wanted forever, and every once in a while i look up and realize that i've gotten it. i'm sort of living my dream a little bit, even if it took forbidden broadway to call it to my attention.

CAPS LOCK MEANS I'M SCREAMING!!!

okay, seriously, if i have to sit through one more meal during which people eat with their mouths open and smack their food, i will sincerely punch someone in the face. WHY IS THIS OKAY??? i can't deal with knowing what's in your mouth, and what it sounds like in there. keep it under wraps. where is your mother? who taught you that this is okay? stop smacking, stop sighing, stop moaning, and close your mouth. i want to hear you speak, not hear all the inner workings of the start of your digestive system.

maybe i'm a little on edge. but even on my best day, this would make me crazier than crazy.

stop it.

woah. betcha didn't know i had this in me...

*content removed and stored in an airtight vault...  i don't care that much any more.

:)

On the Road Again. (I know, I know... Couldn't I have come up with something more creative?)

So here we are in York, Pennsylvania, in a cute little hotel, re-learning how to live out of a suitcase. The cast of Dora the Explorer, Live: Search for the City of Lost Toys took off from NYC yesterday on a bus bound for York, where we're teching for about a week and a half and opening at the end of January. And I'm pretty stoked.

The thing is, last time I took off on tour, the circumstances were waaaaaay different. I was a replacement, so I literally left town four days after I auditioned, which means that I packed my life, moved into a storage unit, made arrangements for subletting, learned the replacement role, and said goodbyes by the seat of my pants and inside of a week. This time, I've been in on the show from the get-go, and we've been rehearsing in NY for two weeks. I know my stuff. I've had time to find the perfect subletter. I've had time to cover all the bases and say all the goodbyes I needed to. I've had the opportunity to begin friendships with my castmates. I know how to pack and what to bring. I have a strong, stable relationship that isn't in a shambles. And I have an idea of what this experience is going to be like.

I guess all of these add up to me feeling already more comfortable on this tour than I ever did on Diego. I don't feel like an intruder, and I don't feel like a beginner. I miss Ryan with a fierceness, but I know that it will just be okay, because we have been building something together that is solid as a rock. And that is another comfort -- knowing that it is all okay, and not having some trouble from back home hanging out in the back of my mind all the time.

So here's what I know: this is an experience of a lifetime, and this go around, I'm going to be fully present for it.

New Year's Eve

Not gonna lie, 2008 had some way ups and some way downs. But for my money, it was the best year yet. A few things that I'm thankful for...

-becoming a working actor and sticking to my goal of not having to go back to waiting tables (or something else equally as soul/energy/morale-depleting)
-finally seeing and acknowledging difficult truths that had been staring me in the face for quite some time
-real, true, heart-bursting, toe-wiggling, unable-to-wrap-your-head-around-it love
-a family unlike any other
-confronting confrontation
-my time in the rainforest, and my impending time on an island of lost toys
-the people who show up when it's truly important
-having a select few to whom i can tell anything and everything
-my continuing faith in God, despite being in a place that doesn't make that faith easy
-sunshine, rain, snow, fog, green trees, tall buildings, and everything in between
-learning how to be okay with conflict, and then letting it go
-a future that's completely unknown -- except for the fact that it's going to be amazing

Happy New Year.
xoxo

What do I care if icicles form?

Somehow, in spite of some turbulence, trial, and tribulation, this turned into one of the best Christmases ever.

Maybe it's the fact that I chose to forgo running around my hometown in an effort to see anyone and everyone I could, and decided instead to spend concentrated time with a few people who I truly cared about being with during the holidays. Or maybe it's because FINALLY my family started talking and being open about things that we should have been talking about for years now. It could be the super-wonderful, all-alone, extra Christmas that I got to have with Ryan after my return to the city. Or Mermaid time with too much wine and Besto time, immediately following plane rides back to NYC. I like to think it might have something to do with all that time spent by the fireplace reading the Ramona Quimby books.

I don't know how or why it turned out this way, but I count myself so blessed to feel full and rejuvenated rather than let-down and dazed after this Christmas. I'm so very thankful for all of the wonderfulness that surrounds me, in the form of family, friends, and (of course) my Ryan. "Blessed is the season that engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love." I've got my love to keep me warm.

In My Experience...

...I have found that there are too many people who tell you to stand up for yourself and do what you believe in, but then recoil and renege when you actually do.

...I have found that so many want you to listen to and respect their cause, belief, or lifestyle, but refuse to offer you the same courtesy.

...I have found time and again people who say they enjoy letting others be happy and live as they wish to live, but who can't follow those words with according actions.

Curiouser and curiouser.