sueno!

i had the weirdest dream last night. in my dream, i had never quit my teaching job -- i had just been taking vacation and sick days for the last two years. i got a call from the principal, saying that i was out of vacation days and needed to come back and teach the last two weeks of school, despite the fact that i hadn't worked with the kids in two years and they had multiple concerts and finals coming up. so i went back to teach and found that i was pretty excited to be there; i missed the kids and the music, and it was nice to be back. what i found, though, was a childhood friend from elementary school with her new baby in a portable trailer classroom, and a bunch of sullen choir kids, all of whom i knew to be the most upbeat, positive, wonderful people i had ever come in contact with. i started to organize things and then i woke up.

such a control freak! i mean, of course i miss my students with all of my heart, but i know i'm in the right place for me at this point in my life. but even in my dreams, i'm trying to keep things at downey the way i knew them to be. in a strange way, i kind of enjoyed the dream, because it reminded me that that part of me is still there. when you're a performer at my level, your job is to do what everyone tells you to do -- hit this mark, sing the note this way, get on this bus and go to this city. i miss the part of teaching where i created experiences for other people, and was fully in charge of those experiences. when you get down to it, i suppose both careers are about creating experiences for an "audience," but in two entirely different ways. hoping someday i'll find the middle ground!

xoxo

a collection of thoughts upon waking up in kitchener, ontario.

ouch. my neck.
what city is this?
really? i'm back on tour already?
really? it's may 26th and 48 degrees outside?
my feet feel pretty good this morning!
so glad i'm on tour with this particular cast. otherwise today would be r-u-f-f.
three shows today -- take it one act at a time.
john and kate -- awwwwkward.
payday is friday!!!
gotta do some pilat's before the first show. and tape my feet. and eat some oatmeal.
where's ryan?
i kinda like the threadbare sheets in this hotel. hm.
rain. boo.
do i beat my roommate to the shower or do i lay here some more? (verdict: beat her to the shower.)
definitely a hat day.
i didn't bring enough clothes back. ryan would be so proud.
so you think you can dance will get me through this week!
lots of questions to ask at the venue today -- bugging management is not my favie.
let's go bang this out!

i know, i know.

i don't blog that often! and here's why i think that's so: i have too many thoughts in my head to sort through, and i'm self-conscious about putting information that's so close to my heart out into the world for all to see. i think maybe that's the purpose of blogging to begin with, but i'm still guarded about it. it's a very exhibitionist and passive-aggressive thing at its heart, i think. but whatever. i participate. : )

still on tour with dora, and i'm climbing the walls. our first of two one-week layoffs starts in five days, and we're all about to go over the edge. i couldn't ask for a more amazing group of people to be touring with, but LORD do we all need a break. from each other, from the show, from traveling, from living on restaurant food, from suitcases, from whatever. break time.

been thinking a lot lately, and taking stock (of what i haaaave and what i haveeeen't! for 64,000 tax-free dollars, name that show!). i'm so happy to be employed and to be a working actor -- grateful beyond words. but the deal is that children's theatre is not where i want to be. so i take this for what it is: a step in the right direction toward where i know i will eventually end up. realizing that about a job is tough stuff, and sometimes makes it a little harder to get through each day or even each show. but it is what it is and i know that there is more beyond this for me.

xoxo

amigos.

friends are a tricky business. i need the manual.

here's why my boyfriend rocks.

-he is my fake secretary.
-he makes dinner every single night when we live in the same apartment. and it's good.
-he comes to New Jersey just to help me with my luggage.
-he pretends not to be bored when we walk around Ricky's looking at nail polish.
-he's not afraid of mountains, water, dragons, dark, or sky.
-he can sing real pretty.
-he keeps ME driven. ME.
-he somehow knows how to talk me off of any ledge. and there are a lot of ledges in NYC.
-he knows how to get anywhere by subway.
-he makes a great mixed drink.
-he's just that right amount of confident without being pompous.
-he's a necessity if going on an adventure of any kind.
-he doesn't look too shabby in a pair of jeans.
-he wears scarves that I make him.
-he's got symmetrical teeth.

epiphany

so i realized yesterday that in a super-weird, musical-theatre-obsessed way, my life has come full circle.

in junior high, my mom and i discovered forbidden broadway. back in those days, she was my only broadway buddy, as i grew up in a rural area where sports and academics were the hip things to be into. so we got all into this forbidden broadway cast recording, and she and i would cackle about it all day long, but no one else had the vaguest idea what i was talking about when i would try to explain it to them. i would be met with blank stares and a lack of interest if i even tried to describe the hilarious brilliance of the whole thing.

so yesterday on the way to the bus during our travel day, tony (our darling diego) quotes the Chita-Rita West Side Story spoof from Forbidden Broadway Volume 2, and i freak out. we went on a quoting spree and made everyone sitting near us on the bus listen to the track. and it probably sounds thoroughly stupid, but i was so happy to be surrounded by people who know and appreciate what i love and find valuable. this is what i've wanted forever, and every once in a while i look up and realize that i've gotten it. i'm sort of living my dream a little bit, even if it took forbidden broadway to call it to my attention.

CAPS LOCK MEANS I'M SCREAMING!!!

okay, seriously, if i have to sit through one more meal during which people eat with their mouths open and smack their food, i will sincerely punch someone in the face. WHY IS THIS OKAY??? i can't deal with knowing what's in your mouth, and what it sounds like in there. keep it under wraps. where is your mother? who taught you that this is okay? stop smacking, stop sighing, stop moaning, and close your mouth. i want to hear you speak, not hear all the inner workings of the start of your digestive system.

maybe i'm a little on edge. but even on my best day, this would make me crazier than crazy.

stop it.